Beowulf
Matinee Price, begrudgingly
If you’re going to see Beowulf, at least see it in the 3D Imax if at all possible. There is little substance or poetry in this adaptation of the oldest written story in the English language, but it certainly wants your undivided attention for the stuff it added. (Note to students: do not base your report on this film! Just read Seamus Heaney’s translation, it’s pretty painless.) It was not as terrible as I suspected it would be, nor as good as it should have been with Neil Gaiman (with Roger Avery) handling the screenplay. The 3D is very good – not to much hurling of items or forced perspective, but there is some. It’s most effective when used in the same way as multiplane animation – to add depth to scenery or richness in the depth of field.
Unless you have been living under a rock, you know director Robert Zemeckis’ Beowulf was made using the same motion capture technology as his Polar Express. The technique has improved over the past 3 years, but this film still looks like the world’s longest video game cut scene. And it is just shy of two hours long, ladies and germs.
MPAA Rating PG-13
Release date 11/16/07
Time in minutes 113
Director Robert Zemeckis
Studio Paramount / Warner Brothers
Beowulf begins in Denmark in the year 507 AD. Stiff-faced subjects of King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) are savaged by the monster Grendel (Crispin Glover, even speaking in proper Old English dialect). Accents are all over the map, but it’s hard to know what early Dane-Saxon dialect really sounded like; it would have been nice to have some consistency though. Here comes CGI-buffed Beowulf (Ray Winstone, who does not look like that) to save the day, hiding his nakedness in a series of ridiculous Austin Powers-esque camera tricks. Who’s mad? Grendel’s mom (Angelina Jolie, as a healthier, prettier version of herself). It’s distracting to have Jolie look just like Jolie, hair and mole and all. Sure, Hopkins and John Malkovich and Robin Wright Penn all look like their wax selves, but Jolie is on 200 magazine covers, being distracting and annoying – and we all know about her husband-stealing fetishes. So while I have never before been distracted by a celebrity’s personal life in a movie, I sure was now. She was just…herself, crazy eyes and man-stealing and all.
Beowulf is rated PG-13, but it’s about as gory scary as any Rated T for Teen video game, without a live-action movie’s sense of empathy. I would hate to take an under-13 year old kid who would be constantly “What did he say? Why’s he doing that? When’s it over?” The motion capture is still creepy and weightless and stiff. I hate to say it, but Shrek 3 looked better, and there you have that. It’s OK, but it’s definitely going to be better on the big screen than it ever will be at home.
